Coupla Weeks Under Water
The quietness of an unshared rumble
My dear friend. I’ve been a bit away from my creative adventures for a little while.
It’s been quite a handful of weeks, to be honest!
Wanna hear about them?
First of all, I was living all normally and happily…
… which has been feeling a bit like walking on a tightrope, to tell you the truth!
Covid going on for 2 years, plus the part of being an immigrant/single mom here in Toronto, with no family around, feels like ANYTHING getting out of place causes such a huge impact on my existence, that I try not to shake things up too too much!
Just so everything can feel close to balance.
But, things did get out of balance.
First of all, I had quite a health scare! I will spare you the gory details, but there were A LOT of stressors and appointments and needles and waiting rooms.
I finally found that it’s nothing too too bad. Which is THE BIGGEST BLESSING OF ALL AND I’M SO UNBELIEVABLY THANKFUL.
In the midst of all this, one day I was so very stressed out that I went outside, in a city that has been deeply frozen for months, and slipped and fell on the ice.
I hit my chest and my shoulder so very hard! I couldn’t breathe or move for a while, and I was surrounded by people who seemed quite terribly concerned for me, which moved me very much.
Humans care for other humans, you see?
It’s so heartwarming and I felt really safe with all those kind hands helping me onto my feet and onto a bench and onto an ambulance and onto an emergency room and onto a hallway and onto an X-ray machine.
I was told nothing was broken so I was discharged from emergencies. I felt better but still, I couldn’t move my arm very well and it hurt so much I couldn’t even pass it through my jacket’s sleeve without wanting to scream!
My friend Jason R. picked me up from the hospital, took me for pho and I was shaking while I was eating it. I could see the vibrating noodles while I held them towards my mouth.
Then he took me home where, I finally could relax a little and cry a little because the whole ordeal was oh, so very scary! He also bought me an electric little pillow that gets really hot and makes me feel better. He’s the best!
After that, I had a bunch of appointments with more ultrasounds and X-rays and more doctors. One of them told me that my shoulder IS INDEED a little fractured. That’s why it was hurting so much and it was so very weak!
Holy moly! That was kind of shocking to hear! I’ve never broken any part of my body. I’m a very indoorsy cartoonist with an aversion to danger! I don’t go anywhere or do anything too extreme.
The biggest danger I face, I think, is my butt growing flat from sitting on it too much!
It is very strange to hear you have something a little bit broken inside. Like… how is it possible?? Is my body an object that breaks? Like a flower pot or something? I never thought about it in such terms.
Very humbling, if you ask me! The whole thing.
We ARE wondrous, spiritual beings with magic inside of us.
And our bodies DO break. Like flower pots.
Isn’t it just weird?
The fracture is very tiny, so I didn’t get a cast or anything, but I was told not to move my arm too too much for a handful of weeks.
In the midst of all of this, I’ve also been feeling SO MUCH about my people.
People I love and are being so good to me. People I miss so dearly, who live far away. People I love who have been a bit absent through this whole thing, and the realization that I might have been absent from their lives too.
People whom might have needed me in the past and I wasn’t there or something.
Have you ever had that feeling? Like: “Oh Lordy, I’m lonesome and hurt and… have I been there for my beloved people when they have been lonesome and hurt? Have I?”
Those kinds of realizations equal: More humbleness!
But also I’ve been asking myself, “Have I been focusing my energies on the right kind of relationships? Have I?”
And I don’t really have an answer, but I’m trying to answer by searching for clarity within my head and my heart and by trying to be closer to people I love.
I’m trying to redesign relationships. Re-define them. Make them healthier and clearer.
I’m trying to be more honest. To feel and share what I actually feel. To think and share what I actually think.
This has actually been quite an adventure, with consequences I didn’t see coming. Some embarrassing, some illuminating!
All of this has come with SO MANY FEELINGS I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU!!!
Oh, through all of this, I finished editing my 3rd book!!!!
And then, the war. Which makes everything seem so insignificant or trivial or something.
We do need to help in every single way we can. But none of us is insignificant.
We have life beating inside of us, and we need to live it. This is a gift. An unfathomable gift that only lasts for a little while.
And we need to think and feel and do what feels truest to us. Because that makes us real.
We don’t have time to waste by quieting our true voices down. In the name of those who’s voices go unheard.
Our actions DO matter and we need to make things happen.
And yes I suppose, in life, we’re meant to get hurt and then heal.
And we’re meant to trust and love and question our relationships and our role in them. And to take care of them, when they matter to us. Because people are some of the most precious things we’ve been given.
As long as we have the Spark. As long as we are alive. There’s magic in us. Happening, passing, shining, in real time.
And I hope things will get easier soon. I really do.
I’m rooting for peace.
For me, and for you and for the whole world.
Because we’re all on the same boat.
This earth shaped boat with its confusion and magic. It’s possibility and darkness. It’s light and fear and love and wonder.
And it’s aching at times.
And it’s singing at times.
Like you and like me.
These days I might be feeling a little wonky.
But my heart is with you, my Fellow Human.