GOD’S EXCELLENT PEP TALK
Inspiration and love, mixed with mild profanity. Sorry!
My dear friend, this little snippet of my journal happened when I just started dating, a year after my divorce.
Have you had a divorce? To be honest I wouldn’t recommend it. I would give the whole experience a zero-star review. A divorce leaves you feeling all terrible and with a pretty bad inferiority complex. ESPECIALLY when you’re an immigrant and your in-laws suddenly are not your in-laws anymore and you’re lonelier than ever in a deserted land, despite some friends trying to keep you company.
Sometimes you feel so lonely that, in fact, you start dating people who are not very nice and then you start talking to God.
This is entry is of those things I used to call “Chats with my buddy God”. I know it’s weird, but at the time, it all felt very soothing! ❤️
- I want to be happy so badly. But I’m afraid I can’t unless I’m loved by someone.
- That is a lie.
- I’ve felt it before and I felt happier.
- For how long?
- Until I got used to it.
- Like, a year maybe?
- A year of happiness.
- Then what?
- I refocused on my neuroses. On my insecurities. On my shortcomings. Once again.
- See what I mean? You could have attached “happy” to that situation. You could have seen your relationship as one of the 1,000,000 things going alright at that time. And that’s what a relationship is. Only ONE of the 1’000,000 things.
- So, why does it feel like the biggest thing there is?
- Because it is the one thing that is not going well right now. And you really want it.
- How can I feel better?
- You tell me.
- By focusing on the 1’000,000 things going alright?
- By attaching “happy” to my situation right now?
- Yep? I feel very sad. Like really sad for what happened with Bikes.
- You really liked him, din’t you?
- I liked him so much. I can hardly tell you how much. It felt as if I already knew him. As if if could love him. I was convinced at a gut level, that he could love me. I was 98% sure that he could love me.
- Maybe he could love you, cutie pie. As a friend.
- But why?
- Who knows. His penis makes some decisions too! Maybe he likes serious, assertive, cold women. Maybe his penis responds to calm, self-controlled women. Maybe to short women. Maybe to politically inclined women. We don’t know. And his penis has its rights.
- But why I cannot get anyone I want?
- He’s a cold motherf***er, didn’t you notice?
- You don’t like cold motherf***ers.
- But I feel like I could bring them to be warm.
- And that’s your mistake. That is your hunger. Your kink. Your delusion. Your despair. You’ve been trying to do that since you got Manny! Your first gay boyfriend. And Leo. You try to heat up people with hearts of stone. Why? What does it mean to you to try to warm these men up? ICQ Guy!!!!!
- Well, I feel like if I could transform at least ONE of them, it would mean I’m loveable and worthwhile.
- What about their seed, their plant, their flower? What makes you such a petulant punk that you think you gotta come and paint people’s flowers in different colours? Let them be! Brooding and cold and distant. As much as they want to be. And you go and find someone who’s flower’s the colour you fancy.
- I’ve never found one.
- Yes you have.
- But he’s married.
- Yes, he’s not yours. But it shows you that they exist. They exist, my darling. They exist. They exist. Just as much as you exist.
Do not give up. Sweetness. Darling. Angel. My love. Take a little break if you need to. But do not give up.
What a wonder you are. Here, with me. Looking for answers. What a sweet peach you are. You are good. Even when you try not to be.
And everything will be ok. I promise.
You are so loved. You are love too.
You are the universe and the universe does not betray itself.
Love is coming to you, with a force.