Discover more from Ani’s Secret Files ❤️
MEN ARE LIKE CITIES
Not to be sexist or anything ❤️
My dear friend,
I found this little poem in one of my journals from when I was just starting to date, about one year after my divorce.
I was supposed to go on a date THAT NIGHT with some hottie doctor who contaced me online. And I was so terribly nervous!
Dating after a super long marriage and difficult divorce is hard for a lot of reasons.
But one of them is the fact that you know you can:
A) Meet someone.
B) Fall in Love.
C) Commit your whole existence to them.
D) Realize that you’ve made a bit of a miscalculation!
G) Going through the agonizingly gruelling ordeal of having to get out of this agreement, and resuscitate what’s left of your life from a pile of scorching ashes!!!
So, imagining yourself going through those steps AGAIN is beyond terrifying!!
In order to deal with the terror, I was writing this in my journal, to try to cheer myself up.
How was I cheering myself up?
By saying basically, “don’t worry Ani. If things don’t go well. You can just LEAVE HIM!”
It might sound cold.
But when I look back at Ani of the past with compassion, I realize that having made a commitment as huge as a marriage, and finding out after many many years that I didn’t make that decision as judiciously as I should, AND being conscious of the insanely high price I had to pay, had given me a bit of commitment phobia!
The funny thing is that my commitment phobia started at such an early stage as a FIRST DATE.
But again, I think, due to my past, it’s understandable.
And to be extremely honest, I suppose that, Yes!
I had learned that if a relationship is poopy, you can try to fix it with your love. But it’s very important to be aware that if things don’t get better, you can always leave it.
I suppose that’s one of those Self-Love lessons I’ve been learning!
Now. I say Men Are like Cities, because I partner with Men. But you could say that Women are like cities. Or that Non Binary Fellow Humans are like cities. Etc.
But something I want to make abundantly clear, is that I LOVE MEN ❤️
For some weird reason, I just do. Ever since I was little.
I have brothers whom I adore. My Dad is pretty awesome.
Throughout my life, I’ve encountered some kind and beautiful and encouraging and protective and inspiring men who have helped me enormously to become more and more of myself. By waking up parts of myself that I didn’t even know were there!
I’m not blind to the difficult things between men and women that have been coming to light in the last decade.
But I just really wanted to make that disclaimer!
And I wanted to tell you about what was going through my head at the time I wrote this…
MEN ARE LIKE CITIES
Men are kind of like cities,
they become darlings,
they get under your skin.
You get to feel like you belong to them,
they are part of the structure
That sustains you.
That supports you.
That contains you.
But at the same time
does not want
to be contained.
It wants to be free.
Maybe if a city
makes me feel excited
keeps me engaged
gives me warmth
and safety and strength.
I can stay.
But if it doesn’t.
If its streets
If the rent takes so much
out of me
that I don’t have
any leftover money
for anything else.
If I look up
and all the windows are cracked,
the trees decapitated
into dead stumps.
If the pollution.
Become so tremendously unbearable
that no matter
how many flowers
I paint on the alleyways,
the deadly anguish
Or even if I
have just grown out of it.
I reserve the right
to pack up my bags
at any moment.